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Friday 16 February 2018

I Graded Starfish Because SOMEONE HAD TO

There are a lot of different kinds and not all of them are good.

Common starfish

Common starfish

- A standard starfish. The starfish you think of when you think of starfishes.
- Would look good hot glued to a picture frame in your aunt's bathroom.
- Kind of forgettable, the Ann Veal of starfish.
- GRADE: B

en.wikipedia.org

Necklace starfish

Necklace starfish

- A fancy, fun starfish. A starfish that shops at Chico's.
- Textured and brightly colored, not unlike vomit after eating too much spicy salsa.
- Probably drives a Jeep Wrangler.
- GRADE: B+

en.wikipedia.org

Blue star

Blue star

- Blue boy. So trendy.
- Would sell you loose cigarettes behind the 7-Eleven.
- Redefines starfish aesthetic while maintaining definite starfishiness.
-GRADE: A

en.wikipedia.org

Crown-of-thorns starfish

Crown-of-thorns starfish

- A starfish that would make out with your boyfriend at prom.
- Beautiful, but so mean. Like an older sister.
- WHY CAN'T I JUST COME TO YOUR PARTY, LIZ?
- GRADE: B-

Jon Hanson / Via en.wikipedia.org

Biscuit star

Biscuit star

- A starfish drawn from a child's crayon.
- A trustworthy starfish, a starfish you'd lend $1,500 to.
- Just the right amount of whimsy; whimsically proficient.
-GRADE: A

en.wikipedia.org

Cushion star

Cushion star

- A bold refusal of starfish ideals.
- Absolutely challenges starfish critics; a starfish that will be studied in art schools for years to come.
- Looks a little like a spoiled tomato but still cool.
- GRADE: A-

en.wikipedia.org

Giant spined sea star

Giant spined sea star

- THIS is what I'm talking about, baby!!!!!
- Respect to the starfish form with clear innovation. A starfish that GETS IT.
- Part alien, part terrestrial, all perfect. Will it massage your feet? Maybe!
-GRADE: A+

Flickr: edbierman

Red-knobbed starfish

Red-knobbed starfish

- A sturdy starfish. Dependable, like a meatloaf.
- Not afraid to let her hair down on the weekends.
- But maybe...pandering? To the starfish lobbyists? Hard to say.
- GRADE: B+

en.wikipedia.org

Common sunstar

Common sunstar

- A verifiable butt hole. A detached anus.
- No one ordered this, please send it back to the kitchen.
- I am itchy.
- Grade: C

en.wikipedia.org

Southern sand star

Southern sand star

- Hahaha, why am I scared.
- A starfish you could buy at Hot Topic.
- Good chance this starfish is made of a witch's finger bones and dark magic.
- Grade: C+

en.wikipedia.org

Nine-armed Sea Star

Nine-armed Sea Star

- Simultaneously doing too much and too little.
- The tribal tattoo of starfish.
- Definitely takes his dates to Applebee's.
- GRADE: D+

en.wikipedia.org

Royal Sea Star

Royal Sea Star

- Was this starfish famous on Nickelodeon in the '90s? Maybe.
- A little try-hard. A little annoying. A little boring. A little ehh.
- Cool teeth though.
-GRADE: C-

en.wikipedia.org

Astropecten jonstoni

Astropecten jonstoni

- Respectful of the starfish form, but doesn't add anything to the narrative.
- I'm sorry I fell asleep.
- Zzzzzz.
- GRADE: F

en.wikipedia.org

Sunflower starfish

Sunflower starfish

- OH YOU POOR THING.
- What monster labratory did you crawl out of?
- *sound of villagers rioting at the front gate*
- GRADE: a sympathy B

commons.wikimedia.org

Orange brisingid

Orange brisingid

- An interesting take on what it means to be a starfish.
- Could probably clean your toilet.
- A good amount of flair without venturing into kitsch. Anna Wintour imperceptibly turns her head towards this starfish when he enters a room.
- GRADE: A-

en.wikipedia.org

Leather star

Leather star

- It's a nice try.
- But it's just not good enough in 2018.
- Pattern reminds me of open sores. And not in the good way.
- GRADE: D

en.wikipedia.org

Doughboy star

Doughboy star

- YEP!!!
- The best starfish there ever was, is, or will be.
- Great name, even better attitude. A starfish we should all aspire to be.
- GRADE: A++++++

en.wikipedia.org

ALL GRADES ARE FINAL see you in summer school.

ALL GRADES ARE FINAL see you in summer school.

giphy.com / Via Disney-PIxar



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