How to Call Someone You Haven't Talked to in a Long Time

Losing touch with people is an unfortunate part of life. Especially as you get older and meet more people, it’s hard to maintain all of your relationships. If you lose touch with someone, whether it be an old friend, a former colleague or an ex, you may decide to reach out to them and see how they are. Doing this can be daunting, but it’s often easier than you’d expect. If you have been thinking about this person, there’s a good chance that you are still on their mind, and that they will be happy to hear from you!

EditSteps

EditStarting the Call

1. Find their number. If you haven’t talked to this person in a while, you may have lost their number. Check to see if you have their number in your phone or address book. If you don’t have it, you have several options.^[1]
   
   • Ask a mutual acquaintance. Consider asking a mutual friend or colleague for this person’s number.
   • Contact this person through social media. If you are friends on Facebook or connected through another social media site, message them. Say something like “Hi Lucy! I was just thinking of you the other day, I hope that you’re still doing well in Chicago. My number is 111-111-1111 if you ever want to catch up!”
   • Do a Google search. If you don’t have any mutual acquaintances and are not connected to them in any way, Google them. There is a good chance you will find some information you can use to get in touch.
2. Call at a good time. If you know when the person is free, give them a call at this time. If you aren’t sure, don’t call them extremely early in the morning, or past 9 pm. Also avoid calling them during the hours that most people generally are at work or school, between the hours of 9-5. The best time to call them is on the weekend in the afternoon or between the hours of 6 and 9 on the weekdays.^[2]
   
3. Tell them who it is. When the person answers the phone, greet them and tell them who it is. If you haven’t talked in a while, they won’t expect you to be calling, especially if they don’t have caller id. Say something like, “Hi Greg, how are you doing? It’s Nicole from Dartmouth!”^[3]
   
   • It’s a good idea to mention where you know this person from. If it’s been a long time since you’ve been in touch, they may have met other people with your name and won’t put two and two together. If you give them a context, it will be much easier for them.
4. Tell them why you’ve been thinking about them. Something must have made you pick up the phone and give this person a call. Even if there isn’t a specific reason, mention what drove you to call them. Saying something like this will make your call seem less out of the blue.^[4]
   
   • You could say something like, “I just reread the book that you gave me last year, it made me think of you!”
   • You could even just say, “I was thinking about you the other day.”
5. Apologize for the disconnect if necessary. Sometimes people drift out of touch. However, if you feel like you could have been better at keeping in touch or that it was partially your fault that you lost touch with one another, own up to it.^[5]
   
   • Say something like, “I’m sorry that I did such a bad job at keeping in touch after the wedding!”
   • Just one apology is enough, if you keep going it could make them feel uncomfortable.

EditMaking Conversation

1. Ask them how they have been. Ask them simply, “How have you been?” This gives the person time to tell you how they are and what they have been up to since you last talked. Instead of worrying about what to say next, listen carefully to what they say.^[6]
   
2. Ask a follow up question. You probably are curious about something that they told you about and want to know more. Asking them about this is a good way of keeping the conversation going.
   
   • For instance, if they mentioned that they are now teaching at a college, ask them what subject they teach.
   • If you can’t think of anything to ask them, ask them something relating to the way in which you know each other. For instance, if you were friends in high school, ask them if they keep in touch with any other of your old friends.
3. Tell them what you have been up to. After they tell you about what they have been doing since the time that you last talked, talk about what you have done. Tell them about work or school, as well as any major developments in your life. You could mention things like new pets or hobbies that you have.^[7]
   
   • For example, say something like “I’ve actually just moved to Austin, Texas and I’m working at a non-profit.”
4. Mention any reason you are contacting them. You may have a reason why you are calling up this person at this time. For instance, you may be calling to ask for donations for a fundraiser, or to ask to borrow something of theirs. If you are calling with a specific purpose, mention it at this point in the conversation. If you are just calling to get back in touch, keep the conversation going.^[8]
   
5. Bring up old memories. A great way to reenergize a conversation with an old acquaintance is to reminisce about the past. Talk about the memories that you share together, or the place or people through whom you met.^[9]
   
   • For instance, if you are childhood friends, say something like, “I remember when we used to make chocolate chip pancakes together.”
   • Though it’s safer to stick to happy memories, you could also tell them how their friendship has helped you. You could say something like, “It meant a lot to me that you were there for me after my mom died.”
6. Remember to smile. As you are talking, remember to smile. Many people forget to smile when on the phone, but just smiling can make your tone of voice sound friendly and inviting. Because they can’t see your face, the tone of your voice is extremely important in communicating that you are excited to be talking to them.^[10]
   
7. Avoid uncomfortable topics. You don’t want to make the conversation awkward by asking them uncomfortable questions or mentioning topics that you should avoid. This is especially true for exes that you are getting back in touch with.
   
   • Saying something like “So how’s that guy you dumped me for?” will make the conversation uncomfortable for both of you.
8. Don't keep them on the phone for too long. You're probably excited to reconnect, but make sure not to have the conversation go on for too long. You don't know what this person's schedule is like these days or how busy they may be. Remember that you don't have to fill them in on every single thing that has happened since you last talked, and that you can always talk again soon.
   
   • Fifteen minutes is a good time frame to get reacquainted. However, if the other person seems eager to keep catching up, by all means keep talking!

EditEnding the Conversation

1. Tell them that you enjoyed talking. When you feel like the conversation has reached its end or one of you has to go, say something like, “It’s been so nice talking to you” or “I’m so glad that we got back in touch.” This will show them how much you’ve enjoyed talking to them.^[11]
   
2. Make plans. After talking, you may decide that you want to meet up with this person. If you feel like meeting in person, say something like, “We should get together sometime.” You can take it a step further if you want and ask them to do something specific, like getting lunch or coffee.^[12]
   
3. Tell them that that you should stay in touch. If you don’t feel like meeting up with this person or you are living in different places, but you still want to talk every now and then, say something like, “Let’s try to keep in touch.” You could also be more specific by saying, “I’ll give you a call next week,” or “I’ll give you a call after my trip to Puerto Rico and tell you how it went!”.^[13]
   
4. Say goodbye. After you have finished telling them how much you’ve enjoyed getting back in touch, it’s time to say goodbye. Since you’ve already set up your goodbye, you can say something simple. Even saying something like, “Alright, well we’ll talk soon. Take care,” is a good farewell.
   

EditLeaving a Message

1. Greet them and say your name. It’s possible that this person did not pick up your call at all, and now you are left with the message machine. When you are leaving your message, start in the same way as if they had picked up the phone, by saying hi and telling them who is calling.
   
   • Say something like, “Hi Marco, it’s Deborah from law school!”
2. Tell them that you hope they’re well. After saying your name, tell them something like, “I hope you’re doing well” or “I hope that you and Claire are well.” This is a nice way of showing them you care about their well-being and acts as a stand in for asking them about themselves, which you can’t do when you’re leaving a message.
   
3. Tell them what made you call. If you have a specific purpose for calling, for instance if you need a favor or have a question, mention it in the message. If you are just calling to get back in touch, say something like, “I was just thinking about you the other day and thought I should give you a call.” It doesn’t have to be an elaborate reason or story; just saying that they were on your mind is enough.^[14]
   
4. Mention something about yourself. Say a few sentences about how you are and how you’ve been. Say a few basic things that relate to how you’ve been spending your time. Keep it short and don’t go on and on, or else it will seem like you’re more interested in yourself than you are in them.
   
   • For instance say: “I’ve been doing well. I just got a new job as a social media coordinator and I’ve taken up tennis again.”
5. Tell them to give you a call back. Say that you are sorry you missed them, and say that they should give you a call back. Make sure to give them a call back number as well as the best time to reach you.
   
   • Say something like, “Give me a call back when you’re free and we can catch up! I’m usually free in the evenings if that’s a good time for you.”
6. Say goodbye. Say a quick goodbye after you are done giving your contact information. Something like, “Alright, I hope to talk to you soon, bye,” is a perfectly good way of saying goodbye.^[15]
   

EditTips

• Take a few deep breaths before dialing their number. This will make you feel less nervous.
• Always speak loudly and clearly, especially if you are leaving a message.
• If the person doesn’t seem excited to talk to you, don’t take it personally. People change, and some people don’t see the point in maintaining friendships if you are living in different cities.
• If you and this person had a complicated relationship, you may feel slightly awkward. Know that this is normal, particularly for conversations with exes.

EditSources and Citations

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