Does someone else's bullying personality make you feel worthless? Do you mistake people's antics for subtle insults? Most of the time, the way a person acts has little to do with you personally. It has more to do with how this person was raised, how they deal with emotional issues, or other variables like their mood, energy level, or health. This is important to keep in mind if you find yourself taking the blame for things that are beyond your control. In order to stop taking things so personally, consider the situational factors as well as the other person’s motivations and background. Improving your self-confidence and communicating assertively are key to being able to handle other people’s comments.
[Edit]Steps
[Edit]Finding Perspective
- Remind yourself that you don't need anyone's approval. If you're especially sensitive to how people treat you and you often overreact, you might have a strong radar for rejection. You worry that you're doing something wrong if you pick up on any kind of displeasure, and you want to fix it. However, it is important to understand that just because someone isn't happy with you doesn't mean you've done something wrong. In many cases, it means that person isn't happy with themselves and expects you to fill in the blanks (which is impossible).[1]
- Consider trying rejection therapy to gently increase your tolerance of rejection.
- Consider if anything in your life caused you to be more sensitive. Sometimes, sensitivity is a product of having people be especially harsh or mean to you, or abandoning you, in the past. Consider your childhood, teen years, and later experiences (if any).
- Past experiences with rejection, judgment, and abandonment may make you especially sensitive to these things.
- People with overly critical parents or guardians may end up especially sensitive as a result (and may show signs of anxiety or depression).[2] Untangling some of these feelings might help you understand why you feel this way.
- Take time to think about why you feel and react this way. What are you afraid of? Why are you so afraid of it? Think about it. This can stir up intense emotions, including buried ones, so expect to take weeks, months, or years to work on this problem, with plenty of breaks if you get overwhelmed.
- Talking to a counselor or therapist may help.
- Notice if you have a problem with absorbing other people's emotions. This lack of emotional boundaries can make it hard to cope with seeing other people upset. It can also be a sign of codependence. You may need to work on self-soothing and separating your own feelings from other people's.
- Just become someone else feels stressed doesn't mean you have to feel that way.
- Remember that other people's emotions are their problems, not yours. You can help with their problems, but you are not ultimately responsible for them.
- Write a list of your strengths. People’s opinions and behaviors are just that. We become more susceptible to someone’s opinions if we are feeling doubtful and placing too much of our own self-worth on the opinions and actions of others. When you are confident in your abilities, another person’s rude behavior or negative opinion will be less likely to affect you. Feeling proud and confident in your own skills is more important than the passing opinions of others.
- Write a list of your strengths and abilities to remember what your strong points are.
- Make a list of things or moments that you’re proud of. Reward yourself for these good things. Think about the sorts of skills that you demonstrate during these moments. How can you do more of those things? This will help build your self-confidence.
- Remember, there are benefits to being a sensitive person—you can see more deeply into interactions with other people, for instance.[3]
- Remind yourself of how you help others. Contributing and helping others feels very rewarding and gives you a sense of purpose. This contributes greatly to feelings of self-confidence. Remind yourself of your benefits and contributions to others around you.
- Consider volunteering your time at a hospital, school event, local humane society, or website like wikiHow.
- Write a list of goals. Having things to work towards give you a sense of self-worth and purpose. This includes things you’d like to improve on or advance in.[4]
- Next, take each goal and break it into smaller steps. How can you begin working towards that goal? What little thing could you do now?
- Try talking to a mental health counselor. If you think that you respond too sensitively to other people’s comments, you might benefit from talking about things with a counselor. This person can help you identify issues that lend to your hypersensitivity. They can also suggest strategies for coping when you interact with negative people.
- Sometimes, extreme sensitivity is a sign of a disorder such as social anxiety or C-PTSD.
[Edit]Focusing on Positivity
- Work on little ways to add positivity to your life. Finding little ways to look on the bright side can help you feel a little better about yourself and your life. Try doing something small that's uplifting.[5]
- Smile. Smiling can boost your mood, and it may be contagious too.
- Keep a gratitude journal. Every evening, write down 3 good things that happened today, or that you're thankful for.
- Do a random act of kindness for somebody.
- Surround yourself with positive people. You will develop more confidence in yourself and be happier if you hang out with people who treat you well.
- Remove or limit toxic people from your life. These are people who treat you poorly or who dump all their problems on you without reciprocating in a supportive way.[6]
- Be kind to others. Being kind to people, whether it's your best friend or a stranger, is good for both you and them. Truly listen to other people, do random acts of kindness, and find ways to make other people smile. You'll walk away feeling a little better.[7]
- Take care of your body. Take time to take care of yourself with grooming and dressing to look your best. Keep your clothes clean and wear clothes that you love. Donate or throw away ill-fitting or old clothing.[8]
- Keep a good posture, as it can improve your mood.
- Get outdoors. Try to get outside in nature every day. If possible, spend 20 minutes or more outdoors. Nature has a calming and uplifting impact on people, and it can help raise your baseline mood.[9]
- Be creative. Do and make things. Doing and creating things feels good. It’s amazing to hold a finished product of something you created that never existed before! Enriching and feeding your mind builds on itself and you’ll find yourself interested in new things that spark intrinsic interest, as opposed to external interests of money or prestige.
- Do something that you find rewarding in and of itself (as opposed to because of external rewards like money or praise).
- Look for activities that help you feel happier or more relaxed. What do you find uplifting? (Make a list if you'd like.) Try to do at least one of these things every day.
- Allow yourself not to be happy all the time. Thinking positive is nice, but it's not practical 100% of the time, and that's okay. Give yourself time and space to deal with difficult emotions. You're allowed to have a rough time sometimes.
- Sometimes, you just need to turn on some sad music, look out the window, and have a good cry. Let out your emotions. You may feel better afterwards.
- Don't punish yourself for getting upset. Everyone goes through rough times, and gets upset about them. This is normal. Give yourself time to be sad, angry, or otherwise unhappy.
[Edit]Communicating Assertively
- Speak up. When you feel that another person is being rude or disrespectful, speak up about it. For example, if a person is continuously making rude jokes, let him know how you are feeling. He might not realize how hurtful or aggressive he seems and how his comments are affecting you.[10]
- Use "I" statements. “I” statements convey that you are willing to take responsibility for your own thoughts and behaviors. This puts the focus on you and your feelings, so that the other person doesn’t feel like you’re attacking them. Nonviolent communication can be a useful technique.
- Not an "I" statement: “You are very rude and you are trying to purposefully hurt me!”
- "I" statement: “I feel hurt when you say things like that.”
- Not an "I" statement: "You are a terrible person who is too immature to care that your friends never see you anymore!"
- "I" statement: “I'm feeling sad because I feel like we don't hang out much anymore, and I would like to see you more often.”
- Approach the discussion calmly. Attacking the other person is will most likely not be very productive. Rather, keep your calm and explain that you are trying to have a dialogue. You want to communicate how you feel instead of fighting with the other person.
- Try to create some emotional distance between you and the other person. Pay attention to how you're perceiving the conversation with them, then try to challenge or that belief if it's negative.[11]
- Use appropriate body language. When you communicate assertively, pay attention to how you hold your body. Keep your voice calm and your volume neutral. Maintain eye contact. Relax your face and body position.
- Recognize when you aren't getting anywhere. Most people will respond constructively to "I" statements and peaceful, non-aggressive discussion. Some people may get upset, so if the conversation is going nowhere, it's time to walk away. You may choose to try again later, or simply distance yourself from that person.[12]
- Be aware that some people are abusive. They may use emotionally abusive tactics, such as humiliating you, blaming you for everything, or invalidating your feelings. You may feel scared, exhausted, uncomfortable, threatened, or bad about yourself when you are around this person. If this is the case, the person is highly toxic and you should limit contact with them as much as you can.
- Imagine that someone else were being treated the same way that you're being treated. How would you feel about them going through that? What might you say to that person? Apply that same compassion and care to yourself.
- If you are uncertain about the situation, or if you have a condition (e.g. autism) that affects your social judgment, ask for advice. Confide in someone you trust, and research abuse on the internet.
[Edit]Looking at the Situation
- Assess the situation. Sometimes we take things personally and blame ourselves for a person’s bad behavior. But their unhappiness or behavior isn't always our fault.
- For example, an upset and emotional 12-year-old may yell at you, “You ruined everything!” because you chose the wrong cake for their party. It is important to assess the situation and acknowledge the preteen’s mean behavior is most likely due to hormones, life changes, or their own inability to regulate their emotional responses when expectations are not met. It probably has little to do with the actual cake choice or parenting.
- Avoid exaggerating the situation. Sometimes, we might read too much into a situation based on previous experiences or assumptions about people. This causes us to exaggerate a situation without honestly looking at the facts. Try to look critically at the situation.
- Don’t jump to conclusions.
- Don’t catastrophize the situation. This is the idea that it’s the “end of the world.” Are things really this bad?
- Stay away from thinking that things are “always” and “never” happening.
- Ask for clarification. If you hear a comment that you find offensive or rude, think about asking for the person to clarify what they mean. They may have misstated what they meant, or you may have heard incorrectly.[13]
- "Could you please clarify? I'm not sure I understand."
- "I'm not sure I understand what you just said."
- "I might have misheard that. Could you repeat it?"
- Give others the benefit of doubt. If you have a habit of taking things personally, it means that you're apt to assume someone is directing some form of aggression towards you when they could be just joking around or having a bad day. It might be your instinct to react emotionally, but pause for a second. Maybe it's not about you.
- Think back to a bad day you had before. Is it possible that this person is having a day like that today?
- Recognize that they may consider the event a mistake. We all say things we regret, and this could be one of their regrets.
- Know what you’re sensitive about. You may have certain triggers that you’re very sensitive about. For example, you might feel really sensitive about your clothes because your mother always criticized what you wore when you were little.[14]
- When you identify your triggers, you can acknowledge that you might be taking things too personally.
- It may also be helpful to inform people about your triggers. "I'd rather you didn't make jokes about me being a witch. My nose and face are a bit of a sore spot for me, so it stings a little."
- Refocus your attention. When you take things personally, you shift your attention from what someone said or did to how you feel. Those feelings can intensify if you fixate on them. You might even catch yourself rehearsing over and over what you would have said back to the person if you could. This is known as ruminating. There are a number of strategies to help you stop ruminating over a problem. Some of these include:
- Try mindfulness exercises. Be present in the moment, which will bring you away from a previous moment that you’re ruminating about.
- Take a walk. Get a change of scenery to distract your mind from the problem.
- Schedule a worry break. Allow yourself 20 minutes to worry about a problem. When 20 minutes is up, move on to something else.
[Edit]Understanding Other People
- Take someone’s emotions into account. Some people may react aggressively to certain situations or behave badly after a bad day. In such a situation, their hostility is being delivered to anyone in their path, and has nothing to do with you. When people act aggressive, often it has nothing to do with you. Maybe they're...
- Having a bad day
- Having had to deal with a difficult person before
- Being reminded of a situation that upset them
- Not able to manage anger, fear, or other emotions well
- Look at how the person treats others. They might tease or insult everyone they meet. Some people are just antagonistic like that. Ask yourself:
- How does this person interact with other people?
- Does this person act like this with everyone (or almost everyone)?
- What is the content of their speech, as opposed to the tone?
- Consider the person's insecurities. Could they feel threatened by you in some way? If so, don't feel bad for being your awesome self. Think about how you can help this person feel better about themselves.
- Give this person a compliment if possible, or ask them if they’d like to talk about anything.
- Consider the other person’s emotional management skills. Keep in mind that the other person may have poor communication and emotional management skills. Some individuals do not learn how to communicate effectively or how to express and manage their emotions. This is important to remember because it helps you be patient and sympathize, much the same way you would with a young child who hasn’t yet learned to regulate and express their emotions.
- Imagine that there's an inner child acting out, because the person hasn't learned how to deal with problems in a mature way. It's much easier to be patient and feel compassionate when you visualize a learning child at the helm of their behavior.
- Recognize the other person’s background and limitations. Some people lack or have a different set of social skills and norms. Sometimes a person can come across awkward or maybe even a bit rude, when they do not mean to. Some individuals act a certain way and lack the awareness of how their behaviors are being received. It is not a cold or rude behavior directed at you.[15]
- For example, someone from a different culture that is a bit more reserved may come across as cold or aloof.
- People with certain disabilities, such as autism or intellectual disabilities, may not be aware of certain social cues or speech inflections. They may come across as insensitive or rude when they do not mean to be.
- Some people may not realize their “joking” behavior is not being well received by others.
- Notice patterns in the person's attitude and behavior. Labeling a pattern can help you deal with it and avoid exaggerating its importance. For example, it's better to know that "my mom just gets cranky sometimes" than think "my mom hates me."
- If you're brave, you can even ask about the patterns. For example, "I notice you tend to jump in to correct me often when I'm doing something. Why is that?"
- Identify whether criticism is constructive. Constructive criticism is a suggestion intended to help you. It is not a critique or criticism of your self-worth or character. For the person giving the criticism, it is easy to point out places in need of polishing. But sometimes we forget to mention how much someone is shining. Constructive criticism should have clear and specific ways in which to improve.[16] This is opposed to non-constructive criticism, which may just be a negative remark that offers no ways of improving.
- Not constructive: “The article is sloppy and poorly referenced. The second topic is lacking in substance.” (This comment offers no methods for improving.)
- Constructive: “The article you wrote needs to have a few more references and an expansion of the second topic. Other than that, this looks good.”
- Definitely not constructive: “This is a terribly written article.”
- It can be hurtful to hear criticism that is not constructive. Think again about this person's skills in managing their emotions and interacting with others.
- Ask questions when you receive criticism. When you hear criticism, especially when you don't hear constructive remarks within that criticism, ask the person what they mean. This shows them that you value their opinions and is a tactful way to improve their ability to give constructive criticism.
- For example, if your boss says, "This is a terribly written article," you can follow up by asking, "I'd like to hear more details about what you don't like about the article. Let's work together to improve it."
[Edit]Tips
- Understanding your feelings, and getting perspective, can be time-consuming. Be patient with yourself.
- Looking for the bright side won't fix all your problems, but it can help a little. If you focus on and amplify the good things in your life, it may help you feel more resilient when times are rough.
- Building assertiveness skills can help you stand up for yourself and feel like less of a doormat.
[Edit]Related wikiHows
- Stop Absorbing Other People's Emotions
- Accept Criticism With Grace and Appreciation
- Be Kinder to Yourself
- Build Self Confidence
- Stop Feeling Like Your Life Isn't Good Enough
- Love Yourself
- Forgive
- Not Take Something for Granted
- Tell if You Are Codependent
[Edit]References
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/tips-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser#tips
- ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/harsh-critical-parenting-may-lead-to-anxiety-disorder-symptoms/
- ↑ [v161662_b01]. 18 December 2020.
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/12942-fostering-a-positive-self-image
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/staying-positive-during-difficult-times-2020100121047
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201006/7-signs-youre-in-toxic-friendship
- ↑ https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/kindness/kindness-matters-guide
- ↑ https://mhanational.org/taking-good-care-yourself
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/monitor/2020/04/nurtured-nature
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/prescriptions-life/201809/how-speak-yourself-wisdom-and-courage
- ↑ [v161662_b01]. 18 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/nonverbal-communication.htm
- ↑ https://learningenglish.voanews.com/a/how-to-ask-for-clarification/4726030.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-gen-y-psy/201810/how-spot-your-emotional-triggers
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201408/how-stop-taking-things-personally
- ↑ https://online.champlain.edu/blog/giving-constructive-feedback
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