How to Gain an Autistic Child's Trust

Some autistic children are more withdrawn than others. While some autistic kids are very trusting and open towards people, others are shy or nervous. Some have trust issues. With a careful and sensitive approach, you can gain the trust of a child who finds it hard to trust others.

EditSteps

EditIdentifying Barriers to Trust

1. Consider if the child has been mistreated in the past. Some autistic children have faced severe bullying or abuse (including therapy abuse) that may make it difficult for them to trust other people.
   
   • A child who doesn't feel safe is unlikely to be trusting.
   • A child who was harmed physically or emotionally by adults, or whose requests for help were ignored by adults, may not trust adults.
2. Look at the child's communication skills. If the child isn't able to reliably express their needs, then it's less likely that their needs will be met. When adults don't meet a child's needs, the child struggles to trust them. If a child can't speak or use AAC reliably, helping them learn to do so is crucial.^[1]
   
   • If the child can only use a very limited type of AAC (such as PECS or buttons to press), a therapist should be helping them expand their repertoire so they can learn to express more complex thoughts.
3. Consider ways you may have misbehaved in the past. If you have interacted with the child before, and they don't seem to like you, it could be because you did something that was rude or inconsiderate.
   
   • Did you force hugs, kisses, or eye contact?
   • Did you respect their need for quiet time when they got overwhelmed?
   • Did you trick them?
   • Did you treat them with respect?
   • Did you coerce or lie to them?
4. Consider whether you could be scary to the child. Adults can be large and scary, especially if they are unpredictable or loud. Do your best to stay calm and consistent when you interact with the child.
   
   • Unexpected sensory input, such as touch from behind or a sudden shout, can be scary to an autistic person.
   • Many autistic people find it scary to look into someone else's eyes. Don't try to make eye contact, and consider wearing sunglasses so that they don't need to worry about your eyes at all.
5. Look at the environment. If a child is hypersensitive to sounds, light, et cetera, then a busy environment may be uncomfortable and distracting to them. If the surroundings are upsetting, then they can't relax enough to interact well. This isn't an issue of trust, but discomfort.
   
   • A quiet, low-key environment is good for a hypersensitive autistic child. When they aren't startled or distracted, they may be able to open up better.
6. Ask the child's family members and loved ones, if you can. They may have insight regarding why the child is shy or withdrawn. They can also tell you what scares or upsets the child, so you know to avoid doing these things.
   
   • If you are going to be doing activities with the child, you can also ask the family about the child's favorite things, to give you ideas.

EditBeing Trustworthy and Predictable

1. Recognize that trust needs to be earned, especially if a child has been hurt before.^[2] You can't expect to be trusted if you don't make a habit of being trustworthy. Don't expect the child to immediately love you. Continue being trustworthy and persistent.^[3]
   
   • Different children take different lengths of time to warm up to someone. Don't give up on them. Keep showing that you care.
   • Don't take it personally if the child doesn't trust you yet.^[4]
2. Stay calm, consistent, and predictable. Do your best to keep things pleasant and low-key. Shouting and mood swings can be frightening to an autistic child.^[5]
   
   • Keep the rules consistent, and follow through each time.^[6] For example, it's confusing if sometimes you let them watch TV after 7 pm but other times you scold them.
   • Phrase demands as demands, not as requests.^[7] This can confuse the child, and make them think that they are not ever allowed to say no to requests.^[8] If you're making a request, phrase it like a request.
3. Be mindful of the noise you make, especially if the child is hypersensitive. Do your best to avoid making sudden or loud noises. If you need to do something loud, warn the child first. For example, "I'm going to get some ice from the ice machine. You might want to cover your ears."
   
4. Be honest and keep your word. Autistic children focus on the literal meaning of your words, and this might be the only thing they can use to judge your intentions.^[9]
   
   • Don't make promises you can't keep. If you aren't sure if you can do something, say "I'll do my best to..." or "I want to..." This keeps a level of uncertainty for unplanned contingencies, such as you getting too sick to visit or you being late due to a traffic jam.
   • If you say "We're leaving in 5 minutes," that means literally five minutes. Get out your watch.
5. Be fair. Treat the autistic child with the same love and respect that you give their peers. Showing favoritism, or being strict with the autistic child and lenient with other children, may make the child feel rejected and they may no longer trust you.
   
   • Don't make the child follow rules that other kids can get away with breaking.^[10]
   • Consider how much time you spend praising the child, and how much time you spend correcting or criticizing them. Are you supporting their self esteem, or only tearing them down?
6. Make your emotions clear. Autistic children may have difficulty reading tone of voice and body language, so they may struggle to figure out how you feel. It can help to verbalize how you're feeling.^[11]
   
   • For example, "I'm not mad at you, just frustrated about the delay. I know it's not your fault."
   • Avoid sarcasm, as many autistic children don't understand it.
   • Match your body language and emotions. If there's a mismatch, explain how you really feel, so that they don't get confused.
7. Take a break if you're experiencing strong emotions. Autistic children can be easily frightened,^[12] and they might be afraid if they see an angry, scared, or frustrated adult. You can making the situation less scary by taking a break, and coming back when you are able to express yourself more calmly.
   
   • Tell the child what you're doing: "I'm having a hard time right now, so I'm going to take a minute or two of quiet time to calm down. Then I'll come back."

EditInteracting Positively

1. Show them how much you care about them. You might know that you love the child, but that doesn't mean that the child knows it. Show your love for them in your words and actions.^[13]
   
   • Use multiple ways to show love: words, actions, affection, spending time together, et cetera.^[14]
2. Presume competence. Act with the assumption that the child is a good person who wants to do their best and make other people proud of them. This helps the child feel supported, and encourages them to rise to meet your expectations.
   
   • If a child is nonverbal and has no AAC, assume that they can hear and understand you, even if they don't look at you. Talk to them, and notice if they give a response in their body language. Nonverbal children can still be incredibly communicative, especially if you encourage them.
3. Respect their boundaries. Autistic children also need personal space, and need to be able to decline hugs, kisses, hand-holding, and other forms of touch. For example, instead of grabbing them and hugging them, ask if they want a hug, or spread your arms to signal an invitation to hug.
   
   • Some types of touch may be unpleasant or painful to an autistic child, especially if they are overwhelmed. If they seem unwilling to be touched right now, take that very seriously.
   • Give an alternate suggestion if you or someone else wants touch. For example, maybe the child can't handle hugs right now, but they can give high-fives or fist bumps. Ask if the child would like to do that instead. (Don't make it a big deal if they say no to that too.)
4. Respect the child's desire not to interact sometimes. The child won't always want to spend time with you, especially if they are overwhelmed or stressed. If so, let them have quiet time. They'll notice if you respect their boundaries, and will be more likely to trust you in the future.
   
   • Don't make the child play with children that they don't like.^[15] It's better to play alone than to play with fake friends or people who mistreat you when the adults turn their backs.
5. Be upfront about plans and facts. Tell the child what is going to happen, and stick to your word. Don't make arrangements behind their back.^[16] If there is a sudden change of plans, be clear about it, and validate the child's feelings.
   
   • Avoid sugarcoating the truth. Instead, break it gently.
   • If there is something you absolutely cannot tell them, explain why.
6. Engage their special interests. Autistic people love to talk about and do things related to their special interests. Ask about them, and show genuine interest. Their special interests can be a good topic for conversations, activities, and gifts.
   
   • If a girl loves cars, you could get out toy cars for her, so she can spin the wheels and line them up with you.
   • A boy who loves cooking might enjoy baking cookies with you.
   • A child who writes might love it if you ask them what they're working on.
7. Listen closely. Put down your phone, stop worrying about other things, and don't focus on what you want the child to do. Instead, pay close attention to what the child is telling you (whether they're using spoken words, AAC, or behavior).
   
   • Work on validating their feelings more often.
   • Listen before you open your mouth. Avoid pressing your own agenda; instead, listen to the full story before speaking.^[17]
8. Be kind when they mess up. Practice patience and understanding. Autistic children can be especially sensitive to criticism, so it's important to provide reassurance and clear direction instead of scolding.
   
   • Being gentle can reassure the child that they're allowed to make mistakes, and that messing up doesn't make them a bad person. Say this out loud if you think they're confused.
9. Embrace their individuality. Each child is different, and autistic children especially have many quirks. Embrace their uniqueness, including their autistic traits. After all, autism is a part of them.
   
   • Let the child make choices related to self-expression, such as wardrobe, bedroom decor, et cetera.
   • Don't demand that they hide their autism or pretend to be "normal." Let them do what works best for them.^[18][19]
   • Assume that any stims or repetitive motions are important, even if you don't understand them.^[20]
10. Make good memories together. Keep being positive, encouraging the child, and doing fun things together.
    
    • Remind the child of fun things that happened. "Remember when we went down to the lake and caught dragonflies?" "Remember the silly books we read last weekend? Would you like to read with me more today?"

EditHandling Problems

You may experience various problems when spending time with the child, from sensory-unfriendly environments to miscommunication to meltdowns.

1. Believe them if they say something is wrong. An autistic child might have a different perception of the world: a light is too bright, a big party is scary and not fun, the sound of Dad unloading the dishwasher must be what hell is like. If they say that something is upsetting, believe them.^[21]
   
   • If children's fears are minimized or ignored, they stop trusting their caregivers to protect them from harmful things.^[22]
   • Don't say "it's not a big deal" or "it's easy." Instead, acknowledge that it's difficult and help the child deal with it.^[23][24]
2. Be patient and respectful about unusual speech. It's okay to ask for clarification, or admit that you don't understand. Tell them that you care about what they're saying, and are having a hard time understanding.^[25] Ask them to repeat it more slowly, write it down, use AAC, et cetera so that you can understand.
   
   • Sometimes, an autistic person will repeat a phrase because they are trying to tell you something, but don't know how to phrase it. Ask questions to help figure out what they mean.^[26]
   • Odd phrasing often means they're struggling to find words. Ask questions to help figure out what they are really trying to say.^[27]
   • If you smile and nod, the child can usually tell that you aren't truly listening.
3. Protect them, even if it looks different from how you'd protect a non-autistic child. This might mean stopping Auntie when she wants to plant a wet kiss on the autistic child's cheek, or taking the child away from a noisy room.^[28] If they find something unpleasant, believe them, and show that you care by helping protect them from it.
   
4. Be patient and understanding. When interacting with each other, the two of you might experience problems like miscommunication or disagreement. If you stay friendly and caring towards the child, they'll be more likely to trust you in the difficult moments.
   
5. Sit with them or disengage if you don't know what to do. If a child is having a crisis, and you aren't sure how to respond, don't try to guess what to do.
   
   • Ask someone who knows the child better if you don't know how to do something. It's okay to get help if you're uncertain.
   • Never forcefully grab or pin down a panicked child. It will only make them even more panicked, and they may hit or kick you in an attempt to free themselves.
6. Apologize if you mess up. If you upset the child or mishandle a situation, say that you're sorry and you didn't mean it. This reassures the child that you still care about and respect them.
   

EditTips

• Keep secrets, if you are told any. For example, if the child says that they're scared of bugs but they don't want other people to know, don't tell other people.^[29] If you think you need to share something, talk to the child first.

EditWarnings

• A child who shows signs of trust issues should be taken to a professional for help.^[30]

EditRelated wikiHows

• Encourage an Autistic Child
• Love Your Autistic Child
• Talk to an Autistic Child
• Interpret Autistic Body Language
• Help a Hyposensitive Autistic Person
• Help a Hypersensitive Autistic Person
• Calm an Autistic Child

EditSources and Citations

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